More than 20 years after suffering in silence over the loss of my sister, I wanted to meet and talk to others who had lost a brother or sister growing up. Through a stroke of luck, I discovered that a chapter of The Compassionate Friends would be holding the first weekend retreat for bereaved siblings in Kansas City, Missouri.
I knew The Compassionate Friends provided support to parents who had lost children; I didn’t know that it reached out to bereaved siblings as well. Even though I would know no one else, I was determined to attend.
The retreat was a working seminar called When Brothers and Sisters Die: Gathering Ways to Help. I signed up for the weekend and made plane reservations. Little did I know at the time that I was about to embark on an experience that would significantly change my life.
When I arrived, I got very nervous. I wondered whether there would be other attendees in their forties or if I’d be considerably older than the others. When I registered, I asked that question. The woman who signed me in assured me that all ages would be attending, “even older than yourself.” I felt a surge of relief.
The opening reception took place in a large meeting room. There were younger people, but others looked to be more my age. I smiled at one younger woman standing with three others; she motioned for me to join them. We introduced ourselves and shared information about the sibling we had lost. I told them I’d lost my sister 25 years ago when we were teens and was still trying to process it.
A pert woman in her forties said she’d lost a brother in a car crash two decades before. “I’m still feeling sad and trying to come to terms with it.” The others had also lost siblings when they were younger–one before she was born. “It still affects me,” she said.
During the weekend, I met many incredible people and attended several wonderful workshops. Two that particularly resonated with me were “Recognizing the Guilt” and “Writing as Therapy.” I got to know many bereaved siblings at the workshops and at the meals we shared. It was an incredible bonding experience.
On the last day of the conference, I checked out the book display in the lobby. There were a number of titles on sibling loss for kids and adults. I browsed through several, then zeroed in one one: Losing Someone You Love, When a Brother or Sister Dies, by Elizabeth Richter. It was just 78 pages long and spotlighted fifteen youngsters who had lost a brother or sister. I bought it and knew I would devour every word on the plane going home.
Attending the conference was a giant step for many of us on a journey we’d never wanted to take. That weekend, we discovered that meeting others on the same journey made our loss easier to bear.