More than 25 years after Ruth died, I decided to see what articles and studies had been published on the effects of childhood illness and death on siblings. I headed to the Weiner Library at Fairleigh Dickinson University, located in Teaneck where I lived. I knew the task would be emotional.
When I passed through the library doors, I felt an immediate sense of purpose. I found the reference librarian. “I’m looking for articles or studies that have been done on the effect of serious childhood illness and death on healthy siblings,” I blurted out. She told me to check out the indexes for Psychological Abstacts.
I spent several hours going through them and jotting down articles of interest. I had to make a second trip to get copies of what I wanted to read. Literature on sibling illness and death were sparse, but what there was validated my own feelings.
More than one article addressed the effects on siblings of a child dying of a prolonged catastrophic illness. They mentioned the anger toward a sick sibling that the healthy child often feels but buries deep inside, wishing the child were dead so things would get back to normal. The well child often feels jealous of the sick one getting so much of their parents’ attention. As soon as that death wish comes true, the surviving child often feels a terrible guilt.
I knew when Ruth was sick, I’d been deeply fearful that she would die. Yet, sometimes this wish must have caused me to feel guilt.
Sometimes surviving siblings don’t show much emotion after their brother or sister dies, said more than one article. Adults may interpret the child’s behavior as indifferent or uncaring about their sibling’s death. Kids express their grief in a number of ways, and it doesn’t mean they’re not hurting inside.
My research mentioned siblings feeling angry over the enshrinement of a dead sibling. When my parents established a foundation in memory of Ruth, I felt very angry — although I didn’t show it. I wanted my mother and father’s complete attention.
In addition, the surviving sibling often feels very lonely. That’s because she or he usually loses her parents emotionally as well as her sibling. My mom and dad formed a tight bond of mutual sorrow, and I felt I was an outsider.
Other articles talked about surviving siblings having a negative self-image, worrying about their health, experiencing anxiety, and keeping thoughts to themselves. I wasn’t the only bereaved sibling who had reacted in these ways!
I made copies of the articles and put them in a folder. It was another step in coming to terms with the enormity of my loss.